The Sweetest Breeze of Freedom

Weird dream

2006-09-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

I had a very weird dream yesterday. I was to be married to this woman, who is my current student now. I was in her house, dining with her family members together. Her father and uncle was there. They had very profound faith in Christianity. Her uncle forced me to believe in that religion. I didn't want to let go of Baha'i's faith, so I didn't obey him. Later, her father just let me be.

About 10 p.m. today, after the evening class, me and some of my students went to have dinner and some alcohol. (not that I drink, though. They drink.) I orderd my usual cider. There, we met a couple of my students in the same class, who were already there enjoying their dinner. We joined them. This couple is married. I like them and they like me too. We got to talk about marriage and whom to choose marry.

My question was, "How to decide on somebody?" "How can we be sure that this person is the one?" He gave me an interesting story:

There were 3 people. It was flooding all around them. They got on the roof of a house. They started praying for God to help them. The water kept flooding, finally coming up to the roof. One man got a log drifting down the water and escaped. Two other men kept praying for God's help. A few moments later, a small boat approached them and another one of them was rescued. The last man didn't care of getting on the boat. He was so much in God's trust, believing that whatever happens, He will rescue him in the end. He died in the flood.

In the Heaven, he met God and asked why He didn't help him. God said:

"Who do you think sent you those log and boat?"

A terrible day

2006-07-20T07:36:00.000-07:00

I got so sick at night. I got a terrible sickness in my stomach and had to use bathroom endlessly. I think the cake I had the last night was bad.

I feel pathetic when I am doing so much work and don't rest a lot. What's the point in my life when I am not happy of my self?

However, if my mom reads this article she would call me so easy going. Nobody gets his job real easy done. I am just grumpy now.

A couple of days ago, I got what's been confusing all right. The thing was to study English intensely now. I have always known I need more English education. Well, I'm a self educated man, so I will be doing on my own. All the stuff for my lesson is ready, just do it!

I think I need to read Baha'i writings more often. Just the prayers and meditation is not enough I found. I feel that the connection to God is weaking inside of me.

Keep focused on my life, my doings, my job : that's the way of mine.

Core essentials in my life

2006-07-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

For some period of time, I was confused about my life. Everything seemed to be going really easy but I was at a loss.

I have been really funky these days. I think I am not really good at being alone or I need someone with whom I can share what's going on in my life. In other words, I need a true friend.

I don't really write quite often and when I write, that's when every word is coming from the bottom of my heart, revealing what's in my subconsious state.

As I'm writing now, it's weird but I can see that I need someone who'll always be with me and support me as well as be cared for by me. And there's one person in my mind now. As I've heard, there's no soul mate. Then I can choose anyone that fits me in my convenience. Then why does this thought of this person come to me now?

These days it has been like I was drifting out of my head with no directions. Well, I am doing quite well on my business and the students feed back is better than ever. But I am not happier. Frankly, it has nothing to do with happiness.

Yesterday, I thought of what I'll be like when I become in my 40's. I thought of myself richer, having wisdom but still innocent.

I need to keep on doing services for the way of God. Whatever I do, without the help of Him, I will fail. That has been my intuition and it's true.

I think I need someone who'll be with me and that significant one and me will help each other go on the way of service.

I have to admit that I'm not that happy about this conclusion.

Definitely I can do it on my own, staying funky, though.

What makes me alive

2006-06-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

Things have been coming a long way, but it's getting clearer.

When everything seems right for you, you're doing what's right for you.

I've been feeling that there's something artistic inside me since I was young. This energy made me self-employeed person, who is always adding more value to his own doing. As I keep doing this, I grow more involved in creative things and it makes me feel I'm doing what I was supposed to do. For example, now I am learning to play drums, which gives me so much bliss. After I play drums, I get more interest in creativity. About 3 years ago, I was doing my online business and I felt I wanted to study design. Now I am getting to another dream. To study illustration. I've had all this creative images screaming in my head. In a flick of time, I can make thousands of images in my head, I can make up hundreds of stories easily. Basically I am a very artistic person.

These things I am pursuing will give me more freedom in what I am doing. Hopefully, I will write books for my teaching English and I can integrate these things with my other skills. I can set up a website and add my illustrations on it and on the book as well.

Here comes the integrity, creativity, service to people.

Being a Baha'i means being more practical, being more interested in people who need our service, giving them what we know of, making our life valuable to others. God's grace will come back to us as we keep doing what is best for ourselves as well as for others.

What's making me feel I am doing the right things : It was a good choice to teach English.

It keeps me being alive and gives me an outlet for my creative energy.

Being in Singapore

2006-05-31T06:19:00.000-07:00

Now it's two days after I got here in Singapore.

Impression? First at the most, it's SO hot! When you just stand still, you're soon dripping sweat. Even at night, it's still hot too. So basically everywhere has air-conditioner and all the country must use huge amount of electricity. (How can they afford it?) Whether you're in a MRT(almost the same as subway in Seoul), in a bus, there's air-conditioner everywhere!

Second, people are really kind and they know how to smile at others (even at strangers too!), which is very rare in Seoul. Korean people don't smile at all or don't really see you unless you're really close to them (even when you're really close, most of them are so self-absorbed they don't really 'SEE' you. Sad thing, huh?)

Third, most of them use their own language. English can be heard when they say something to strangers, because English is the official public language. In addition, I have to say that it's not really easy to understand what they're saying because of their accent.

The first day, I had slept in an guesthouse in Little India. It was a good experience. It was somewhat different from the place I'm in now, Colonial District. Today I've been walking and visiting some gourmet restaurant in Chinatown. Also, I got my name in Chinese character to be drawn in a chinese pictural way. I've seen something like this in some movies but this time I've got it done myself! It's very nice and I like it so much.

Tomorrow, I'll be visiting Sentosa Island. The whole day will be dedicated to seeing animals. (including the Night Safari) Everything is so different I've got so many things to write but it'll take too much. I've got to go to bed.

I hope tomorrow will be a beautiful day.

Second Saturday : a new gathering for people for topics

2006-05-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

Today was the first 'Second Saturday' meeting. There were some couples of Baha'i friends and non-Baha'i's. We had a good time there.

The first topic was love. Interestingly, I had a weird dream yesterday. When I woke up this morning, I could barely remember what was happening in the dream, but I had my future daughter with me and when I saw her, I was full of love - pure love. Nothing could mean the same to me. I haven't had that love for anybody by now, not even to myself. Maybe I can understand what it's like to be a parent and have your children.

I'm getting more dependant to God these days, which make me more freedom. I thought when I gave up my ego and my own will, I should lose my freedom. However, the reality is the opposite. I get more freedom and I can feel calmness and peace when I truly rely on God.

Jazz attracts me

2006-05-13T07:02:00.000-07:00

For the first time in my life, I am really being attracted to Jazz. Why? It's about freedom. The freedom I've ever felt when I was listening to music.

I wasn't into music that much before, but nowadays I can listen to Jazz. Other genre of music doesn't attract me enough to bother to hear. They are patternized and doesn't have as much freedom and improvisation as Jazz.

The root of Jazz is quite interesting. Most of the leading Jazz musicians were people whose ancestors were affected by colonization or slavery I guess though interestingly they're playing some western musical instuments such as trumpet, piano to play for their original musical root - african culture. This is another attractiveness for me.

One reason I have to leave this country : In Korea, I'll never be playing drums and playing Jazz, cause somebody else will slam the door at my house complaining about drumming and making noise.

A good brunch

2006-05-07T06:25:00.000-07:00

There was a good brunch in Adalia's home.

We had a good time. I talked with some friends. I seem to see the meaning of meeting people.

Another news: a new option of going to airforce.

But it'll not be a real option that I'll take seriously, because it doesn't give me enough freedom and financial means.

I need some break. This whole weeks have been killing me.

After this last part of my teaching is over, I'm going to Singaporeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Stressed out by continuous work

2006-05-07T06:19:00.000-07:00

It seems that I have never-ending work queue : when will it end?

I really want to watch movies, go to the boxing gym so that I can work out, or go to Kyobo bookstore to browse around.

I am doing my final project, making a whole new teaching material for the last month of my course. It's 3-months course but the last month has seemed always to be missing something. Now I'm totally reviewing the last part and organizing a new system.

The students feedback is great. I can see it.

But the trade-off is that I get clamped with tons of work to do, recording the audio lectures and making some new supplements.

I need to be more patient.

Getting closer to God

2006-05-07T06:14:00.000-07:00

It means freedom. Getting closer to God.

It's the only way of freeing me from this imprisonment. From this body. From this limitation. From this constraints.

These days I feel more and more freedom as I let things 'go.' Now I am not in fear of losing.

Yesterday, I talked with my dad about 'death' but he really didn't catch what I was saying. He didn't really 'see' me.

It was okay as I now 'see' him, which was not possible before. Now I feel the importance of being with someone closer.

We're meant to live together. We're meant to see each other together, caring for each other, loving each other.

Putting God first before everything

2006-05-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

I have thought that I always have to put God first. But sometimes I tend to give in to fear and I put my barrier and try to stay inside.

Logically, I know this 'fear' comes from the lack of confidence in God, or reliance in God. Well, I have been a Baha'i now about 6 month, and before I became involved with this faith, I wasn't connected to God at all.

So be persevering... I am going through a 'big' change now. Sometimes the connection and reliance gets really strong and I dont' worry about anything at all.

I really have to sing the prayer that we sing in Tae-in's house. With only God will do.

How bad I was at giving

2006-05-03T09:05:00.000-07:00

I now seem to realize how I was bad at giving and caring for people. This is really lamentable thing.

But I don't want to speak bad about myself. In the retrospect, I think I have been developing something that was needed - a prerequisite, I might add.

As for now, I am really interested in people. But I still need to learn 'how' to give to people.

Today, I had a good experience. When I was listening my students trying to speak what they are thinking in English, I was really watching them, listening to them.

They looked different.

Strictly speaking, I got the feeling that they and I were as one, connected together with God. I was their brother.

When a male student was making his speech, I was wondering how he had lived his life, what kind of different experiences he had had.

I was just interested.

I want to listen to people, talk with them, and communicate.

Maybe before now, I didn't had that kind of openness regarding 'listening to' and 'seeing' them. I was just indulging my own thought and ego.

I was imprisoned in myself.

Adalia gave a supportive article about what Abdul'baha said about freedom. I am sure now I am getting to realize what I really have to pursue in my life.

Music : A New World

2006-05-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

It was yesterday that I finally got the new idea of the freedom that I chase.

I was thinking it was just a freedom from any financial restraints - making big money and be free to do whatever I want.

But now I see that it's not the real freedom I want. Actually, no matter what I do, there is some restraints. I am always obsessed with how to be free from any restraints of the situation I am in.

Anything based on this materialized world is not perfect, and it will not give you freedom. Before, I wanted a dream of having a brand new sports car. Now If I could buy one at the moment, I wouldn't. It will still control you. You have to fill the gas, wash the car, do the insurance thing, renewing the insurance, tax...

Based on this world means being controlled by the restraints. Only finding our true form - our spiritual, emotional self - can give us real freedom.

Actually, I am thinking of learning Salsa and Guitar. Talking of Salsa, I know some basics and movements. This summer, I will join a club and learn Salsa. The idea of guitar is that I can learn the basic rules of music easily - I don't have to be somewhere where there is a big room or sound-proof room. One day, I will be doing trumpet and drums - my favorite - but right now I can learn music with just a guitar.

Music can give me freedom - no one will attack you because you're a poor guitarist, you're not judged or judging others. It's your world, and you can share with people. I can be playing some sweet guitar songs with some children, old lonesome people while I feel the freedom. There's so much possibilities!

Most of the things that give us so much joy do not cost much or do not cost at all, I guess.

A new point of view

2006-04-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

Recently, I had a ginormous change in my viewpoint of people.

I tend to really see them now, which was not the same story before. Frankly, I wasn't that interested in people as I look back on my life.

But nowadays I am learning how to really 'see ' them. I am interested in people now. I like them. I want to be of service to them.

Now some Baha'i's in BoonDand including myself are starting a new gathering for discussing spiritual and life-related topics. That will be the start of my service to people I guess. Before, I had never thought of opening my place for people to come in and sit and have a good time talking and laughing. But now I really want to share some of my part with them.

This change has started after I broke up with my girlfriend, who is still my best friend. I really appreciate her intuition, which seems guide her to the right decision regardless of her own ego.

What a happiest moment of my life began! After I'd become a Baha'i, a total giftset of life has been given to me. I really thank God for all of this.

Appaled by mallice

2006-04-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

An ex-student turned evil and he reported to the tax agency that my school is violating the regulation.

This is considered extremely 'rude' in Korea. To sue your teacher.

Actually my business is 'in-between' now, so there's no telling that if the current state of my business is violating the regulation or not.

I just got appaled by the malice that people show when there seems no way they can get what they want from someone.

His motive was that I rejected to give him no more free lesson and he think he's been dishonored.

But reporting to tax agency is too much.

Well, when they have no way of getting out of the struggle, it's easy to set a target to blame so they can bring themselves peace back.

Quite A While Since Last Time : Checking In

2006-04-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I wrote. Things happened. Mostly with my girlfriend. Well, now basically we broke up. We didn't find our relationship really healthy. What concerns us is mostly spiritual things, intuition.

She seems doing quite well. First time when she broke the news, I got upset a little. But now I really am getting used to it. Actually, I find detachment gets me rehabilitated from the demise of attachment to things. When I was attached with the relationship with my girlfriend, I was half-dead, closed minded.

Now I see the world with ease. How everyone is doing, what's the meaning of life, happiness, things like that.

Also, I am thinking about what I'll be doing in 2~3 years from now. Now I get a good money. But living here in Korea is not that amazing. First of all, I want to be of service somewhere else. Maybe I can get the most ouf of living here, travelling to anywhere once after every 3 months of teaching English here.

The thing is... how much money I earn, that doesn't give me any joy. Now I am used to having whole bunch of money while still feeling not enough.

Instead, I feel moved when I read a really impressing book, watch a nice cool money (like "Inside man", featuring Denzel Washington), listening to such cool songs.

I should really think about what I'll be doing in coming years and I have to pray about it.

Now I got whole bunch of possibilities and I really thank my ex-girl friend, who is still my best friend.

My God, My God!

2006-04-02T08:30:00.000-07:00

Before I finally found my Lord, I'd thought my life was a complete mess and full of stupidities. But after I found Baha'i faith and attained the long-missed connection with God, everything came clear to me. Everything around me, my family, my social circle became true to me. Finally, I found this beautiful woman, Adalia Ellis.

She is the woman who told about her faith in the Toastmasters. Until then, I was still in the endeavor of finding my goal in life and getting the clarity of my life. When I first heard about the Baha'i faith, I really wanted to know more about it. I kept seeing her and started going to a Baha'i study circle in BoonDang, a southen city from Seoul.

My brain is going, this is it for the first day of writing. I seem to enjoy writing on the web!

The Title of My Blog?

2006-04-02T08:25:00.000-07:00

The reason is that I love freedom. The most sweetest moment in my life has been always in my memory. That will be visualized in a couple of scenes.

Scene #1 : I am riding my motorcycle(Maybe Harley-Davidson) along a coastal, cliff-side road, where no one or no car is coming. Just me, and the breeze and fresh air and the sounds of surfs!

Scene #2 : I almost forgot just now. It's late and I'm going to bed.

Starting stories about my life

2006-04-02T08:18:00.000-07:00

This is my first time writing about my life on the web. I am not a good writer. But I am a good imaginator.

The inspiration to write about myself comes from Adalia, my girlfriend. She keeps writing on her blogs. Maybe theer's some things that can only be told in writings. This will be it, I hope.